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I fly like paper...

I started writing in this and stopped quickly after and hate it because I feel good usually after writing in this, but I guess I get lazy.

Anyway, I'm back in Dallas. Staying at Mom's in The Colony and I'll begin job/house-hunting soon. I need to find both before school starts on the 25th. Not really looking forward to it, but looking forward to starting anew. Hopefully I'll have time for work, school, and rugby.

Valery's wedding is in September and things are quickly starting to get more obvious that a big change is a-coming. I got here just yesterday and my sister is gone from the house and living in Downtown Dallas now. I'm really happy for her, but the downside is that her own life officially starts and while we'll always be there for each other and of course related we won't ever spend as much time or be as close again. Especially if I decide to leave again for grad school and to teach up in Boston. The depressing reality of adulthood continues to settle. The relationship of family continues, but the quality time and the closeness is really going away quickly.

Maybe I'm just overdoing it, but it certainly feels that way especially for me. I think subconsciously I still resent the fact that I was never able to break through that circle of my sister, our cousins, and their friends who I always looked up to. Now that I'm old enough to really take part in what they do, they're grown up and starting families and hardly have the time to sit and just breathe much less go out and enjoy an evening together. I should just accept the fact that it just couldn't work for reason out of both side's control (age) but I think I blame them. I should work on getting over that.

Actually I should work on getting over a lot of things. Dad and I got into it quite a bit while I was there. I don't know why a part of me thought things were getting better. I guess I was just naive to see he's still the same. I'm glad I've left and back with Mom. I was so close to telling him off, but the sad reality for him is while he IS my Dad, I only really have an economical need for him. At 21 I surely don't need a father figure and he seems to do nothing, but complain and continue to try and change who I am and instill values in me which is too late. I'd like to say I don't care anymore for what happened with my parents, but I'd be lying. I need to work on letting that go too.

Over the summer my mom offered me a chance to go back and see the family therapist. I danced around it a little and I guess I let time slip away, she forgot, and nothing came of it. I probably should have. It doesn't hurt to have someone who gets paid to listen to you. She would've probably helped with all the unresolved and hidden emotions I'm apparently carrying around.

It's been a long time since I've had that feeling to run away and just be somewhere on my own for a bit to really get a hold of my thoughts, but I'm having it again. Hopefully I've just had too much time to set on things and think and once life starts again it'll recess to back of my mind.

I really intended this to be short, but here I still am. Well I guess that's enough for now. If you've managed to read this far into this then my hats off to you and thank you for reading I guess.

Comments

a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 04:50 am (UTC)
And I actually wish my day was full like yours. Midterms, debutant stuff, and all. Haha Seriously at least doing things keeps my mind off thinking. I think that's where this entry came from. Being here and seeing how far things have come since being here last and having so much time to think brought up a lot of emotions. I'm sure you understand.

By "starts Friday" what do you mean? How long does it go on for? I thought it was just a one day thing.

Oh and I totally read your last entry. Sorry about class and you feeling sick. I bet the combo of those two just made for a shitty day. And I totally understand/agree with the whole last paragraph you wrote. Looks like we're both in just the perfect storm of things in order to make a crazy emo-album hahaha
__loss
Jul. 23rd, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
sweet! yay emo kids! yuck. i actually have grown to hate that word...but i'm glad you sympathize!

but if i didn't have that all going on, i'd be doing tons of other shit, like playing guitar for more than an hour a day, visiting friends in san antonio/houston/dallas. i'd have time to do piano, too. my songs wouldn't be a mess of pages, etc. i just hate not getting all that other stuff done, too, you know?

but i totally get how putting yourself in neutral leads to some serious emotional dwelling, which never really turns out that well...
a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
Yeah emo kids used to mean just listening to more emotional music and maybe some black rimmed glasses, but now it's just a whole androgynous subculture. Who knew huh?

Oh and I feel ya. I'm sure the combination of classes, work, and the debutant stuff is not exactly your idea of a fun-filled summer. I guess my point was just doing things in order to prevent me from dwelling like you said, but it happens. I mean like they say, this all is just supposed to make us stronger right?........right?!....
__loss
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:13 am (UTC)
th-th-th that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger. i need you to hurry up now, cause i can't wait much longer...

DAFT PUNK VERSION ONLY. because it makes me sound original. and i'll live in constant denial about how bad ass kanye's remix is.

anyway, sorry, couldn't help it. i mean, it's worth going to class and work. and i know for sure i would do deb stuff regardless. (i think that's fun). BUT i would like down time. i mean, at least leave the weekends alone. i don't even have time to watch the ONE show i've decided to follow this summer. blargh. so i have to hit it up on the internets. i mean, we have dvr but my parents are all 'you're doing to much to even turn that tv on'. lame. anyways...

emo kids suck. DNW them as fans.
a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:24 am (UTC)
DAFT PUNK IS THE SHIT! I think they've provided the soundtrack of my summer. I got like basically every release they've put out and man they got a song for like all of my moods. But Kanye did a good job on his song. I totally wanted the beat as a ringtone, but iTunes doesn't have it. Woe is me!

Man that IS lame. That's how I was this past school year. I was just doin stuff all the time and I was like man I just want one moment where I'm not doing a thing and then the summer rolled around and I'm like man I'm bored, I wish I could be busy doing something. Kind of like how I am now. I guess the grass IS always greener you know?

Sometimes I wish I was a robot and could turn off. Then I wouldn't have to do ANYTHING. Not even doing nothing! asdfjkl;
__loss
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)
hahaha niiiice.

'we could live like robots...' OK NO MORE JOBRO. i need to purge it out of my system.

anyway, i do love daft punk, don't get me wrong. but i hate people that reject bad ass 'remakes' of shit just because it makes them seem cool and individual. kind of like rejecting bright eyes after fame. (SO EXCITED TO SEE CONOR OBERST AT ACL! WOOHOOOOO!)

grass is greener on the other side, and like the naive person i am, i'm still going to keep wishing i was over the damn fence.
a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:37 am (UTC)
You're going to ACL?! Awesome yeah I heard he's gonna be there. Make sure to take plenty of pics and share the wealth. I wish I had gone to Coachella. That's the one festival that is always full of bands that I love. Actually remember when we caught Bright Eyes on TV? That was pretty cool he was on PBS, was it?

Don't worry I'm with you on the fence thing. It's such a vicious cycle. But I mean I guess that's how things go for us more emotional people. (Notice how I didn't use "emo kids")

BTW isn't past your bedtime old timer?


__loss
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:40 am (UTC)
hahaha niiiice avoidance of emo. and i can choose when i want to sleep. i do what i want, respect my authority, etc. with the south park references. blah.

yes, it was PBS and that was awesome. i'll take pics, share the wealth, and make you come down to acl and join me. hahaha.

glad to hear i'm not the only one in this vicious cycle. i'm not totally retarded.
a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:46 am (UTC)
Haha You know I was gonna say I don't think it has anything to do with being retarded, but now that I think about it, it is pretty retarded. After all we are subjecting ourselves to it and then complaining about it as if we didn't get why it was happening.

Hopefully I have money and it is possible to go to ACL. I'd love to. When is it anyway?

Oh and Boo to South Park. I seem to be the only person in the world who doesn't find it funny.
__loss
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:49 am (UTC)
i'm so on and off about that show. but certain lines just stick in my head. ehhhhhh.

you'll have to look up the acl dates, i don't have them on me.

ps - i totally posted on my lj. we can move over there, because all this commenting is making you look way to popular for your own good. hahaha. just kidding.

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