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I fly like paper...

I started writing in this and stopped quickly after and hate it because I feel good usually after writing in this, but I guess I get lazy.

Anyway, I'm back in Dallas. Staying at Mom's in The Colony and I'll begin job/house-hunting soon. I need to find both before school starts on the 25th. Not really looking forward to it, but looking forward to starting anew. Hopefully I'll have time for work, school, and rugby.

Valery's wedding is in September and things are quickly starting to get more obvious that a big change is a-coming. I got here just yesterday and my sister is gone from the house and living in Downtown Dallas now. I'm really happy for her, but the downside is that her own life officially starts and while we'll always be there for each other and of course related we won't ever spend as much time or be as close again. Especially if I decide to leave again for grad school and to teach up in Boston. The depressing reality of adulthood continues to settle. The relationship of family continues, but the quality time and the closeness is really going away quickly.

Maybe I'm just overdoing it, but it certainly feels that way especially for me. I think subconsciously I still resent the fact that I was never able to break through that circle of my sister, our cousins, and their friends who I always looked up to. Now that I'm old enough to really take part in what they do, they're grown up and starting families and hardly have the time to sit and just breathe much less go out and enjoy an evening together. I should just accept the fact that it just couldn't work for reason out of both side's control (age) but I think I blame them. I should work on getting over that.

Actually I should work on getting over a lot of things. Dad and I got into it quite a bit while I was there. I don't know why a part of me thought things were getting better. I guess I was just naive to see he's still the same. I'm glad I've left and back with Mom. I was so close to telling him off, but the sad reality for him is while he IS my Dad, I only really have an economical need for him. At 21 I surely don't need a father figure and he seems to do nothing, but complain and continue to try and change who I am and instill values in me which is too late. I'd like to say I don't care anymore for what happened with my parents, but I'd be lying. I need to work on letting that go too.

Over the summer my mom offered me a chance to go back and see the family therapist. I danced around it a little and I guess I let time slip away, she forgot, and nothing came of it. I probably should have. It doesn't hurt to have someone who gets paid to listen to you. She would've probably helped with all the unresolved and hidden emotions I'm apparently carrying around.

It's been a long time since I've had that feeling to run away and just be somewhere on my own for a bit to really get a hold of my thoughts, but I'm having it again. Hopefully I've just had too much time to set on things and think and once life starts again it'll recess to back of my mind.

I really intended this to be short, but here I still am. Well I guess that's enough for now. If you've managed to read this far into this then my hats off to you and thank you for reading I guess.

Comments

a_godlike_virus
Jul. 23rd, 2008 03:55 am (UTC)
Oooh I like the way "vintage guitar" sounds. You can never go wrong with those. Oh and don't worry. I trust once the big bucks start rolling in we'll have the best equipment ever. I'll get myself the most expensive triangle out there. Hahaha

BTW I do hope at some point we can have one of these LJ convos where I don't have to look at this "JoBro" That guys hair is ridiculously curly and those sideburns got nothin on mine. Haha Don't worry you don't have to say it...I AM just hatin' because he's got 38493284092384023 more dollars than me and yet we're like the same age.

/kills self :(

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